I am a fangirl and a shipper.
Usually I fangirl books, comics/mangas, tv shows, and movies. Sometimes Kpop boybands, too. Most of the time, I also ship a male slash pair within mentioned fandoms, thought it wouldn’t be the only reason I fangirl the fandoms.
One day I feel bad about shipping. ‘Only I do this weird thing around here,’ I thought. ‘None of my friends do this. Only I get attached to a character or two and then think about them in a subliminal yet constant way.’
It doesn’t feel right. Maybe I should get a lot of friends, hang out more, or maybe get a boyfriend to love.
But then I think a lot and realize, I tend to have an obsessive trait.
Wanting to see more of a fandom, wanting to see more interaction between the characters, always wanting to be able to draw the characters perfectly, always wanting to contribute, always wanting to get a feel of a stable relationship between the characters that I ship. Wanting it all to an extent that my ‘normal’ friends would think excessive. Going about in circles in my own world.
If such traits are applied to a person, what it would be like?
Always wanting to know all about a person, always wanting to be together to a person, always wanting to do things even though that person thinks it’s unnecessary, being too clingy, overprotective, over attached.
Only to forget it a few months later. (This is a personal experience, remember)
I tend to do that, I realize. I tend to obsess over a fandom for about 7-8 months, and then get bored and jump to another, maybe a comic this time, and then repeat the cycle. I tend to move fast, it’s always yes or no, it can’t be somewhere in the middle, I can’t wait, I’ll just lose interest if I do.
I believe in love too much. I am too romantic, I am foolish, I am old-fashioned. I don’t think I can or should do the same to a person. That isn’t right. To obsess over people and then forget them after a while… That’s just not right.
I can’t let my obsessive traits get applied to a person.
Instead, my obsessive traits right now is applied to a fandom.
In other way, fangirling and shipping saved me from being clinically obsessive-compulsive in the real world.
Because to me, having obsessive trait to a fictional thing is okay. After all, it is fictional. Whether I believe this character loves that character or not, whether I really want them to just kiss already or not, doesn’t matter at all to the real world. Whatever I believe and I ‘force’ the character to do (in my fanworks) doesn’t alter the real book/movie/etc. They’re just characters. Sometimes there are fanwars, but outside of that it doesn’t really matter, since the characters are not really living. It is not an obsessive-compulsive disorder as long as it doesn’t get real (as far as I know).
So maybe fangirling is strange, unnatural, ‘come on, it’s just a movie’.
Maybe shipping sounds so sad, pitiful, ‘she can’t get a boyfriend that’s why she does it all’.
But if fangirling and shipping could save me from being clinically obsessive-compulsive, then, by Jove, I’d ship all the way to Hell, to Heaven and back. I’d be ‘strange’, I’d be ‘pitiful’. I’d rather do this ‘weird nerdy thing, ugh’ rather than be a monster.
So if fangirling and shipping saves me, I don’t have to be scared.
If it helps, I don’t have to feel bad.
If it is what I like, as long as I don’t hurt anyone, I can and should feel proud.
Even if some people think, ‘why are you drawing two males like that? that’s gay’, as long as I am happy, I don’t have to feel small.
Even if some people say, ‘you do that because you don’t have a boyfriend, right?’, I don’t have to feel sad. Hey, maybe I’m just old-fashioned, maybe I don’t think I’m already the age to have a boyfriend, maybe I don’t think I should get one if I don’t really need one, maybe I’m waiting for the right one so it would last, etc etc: just because someone doesn’t have a lover doesn’t mean they can’t get one later. Besides, I did have one once and I still fangirl-ed and ship-ed at that time. So it doesn’t really have the kind of correlation that people think.
I get scared a lot. Sometimes I think if I am not a good person just because I am a fangirl and a (male slash) shipper.
But if I continue living as always, studying good, trying to get good grades, trying to get a nice job, trying to keep friends friends, trying to get new friends who would stay, being a good citizen to society, country, and humanity, not being a criminal, etc etc, then there is no problem, right?
If there is no problem, then I shouldn’t make it into a problem just because other people think it’s a problem.
It’s my life.
I get to live it however I want.
So, I’ll keep on fangirling and shipping.